So, there is quite a story behind, not this picture, but the person in it. Rich Briener is a speech professor at UGF. He is one of those professors that no one forgets, not because he was amazing and walked on water, but because he was half-crazy in everything he did. There are buckets full of Briener stories, but this one, I believe tops any:

(For you entertainment, I will type this as a "there I was" speech, made famous by Briener himself)

There I was, driving down 10th ave. with my friends Sarah and Trevor. We were stopped at a light, and I noticed a bicyclist on the right side, vigorously pedaling. This person also had spandex and the whole outfit. The closer I looked, I saw a McDonald's bag gripped by one hand, and the other hand was trying desperately to grab the hot, tasty french fries inside (courtesy of Dane Cook).

-"Hey, guys, check out that hard-core biker. He's eating fries while he's riding." I said.

-"Oh, man, what a loser. So much for that bike ride." Sarah said.

I looked a little closer to the person. It was Briener!

-"It's Briener, guys! HOLY CRAP! It's Briener!"

It was Briener.

Roof Adventure 2 & 3

Well, I haven't been keeping up with my blogs, which I need to, so this is a double whammy. I have had two other roof adventures since the last story:

-The eldest of the two happened last spring, my last day here on campus before returning home for the summer. My closet of a room had a huge window overlooking a closed-in hallway that connected Providence Hall and the Chapel. So, yes, I technically live in a church (more or less). So, Sarah and I removed the screen and, without much thought, we escaped to the roof. This act had been on my mind all year but was always out of the question, seeing how Sarah was my RA and lived right next to me. But, being the last day, we decided to be deviant. We did a few sprints over to the chapel connection, sprayed some silly string off into the bushes, and then went back in.

This may seem dumb and not a big deal, but it was actually pretty big because Sarah and I were and still are on probation for seran-wrapping a car. But, that's another story.

-The second adventure just happened this weekend, actually. Our new boss, Sarah W. is pretty much the best boss ever, and so we had to show her some of our old stomping grounds (as RAs). The adventure started out as a drug bust, in fact, and ended empty-handed. We searched the bushes for bongs and such, and then, decided to see if we could still get on the roof. Trevor and Sarah R. (from the other adventure) had access to a roof access code (yet another story), and the code was still good. So, there the four of us were: crawling up the roof hatch. When we reached the top, we peered over the edge and held a short vigil watching for students heading toward the bushes. It ended abruptly when a car pulled up, and we had to hide. We soon retreated in fear of being seen, and then, fired.

I just realized that many of my stories have to do with possibly getting fired. Hmm...

Nancy Fancy Pants

Well, I'm back in Great Falls...for college...two weeks early...for RA training...it's too hot to be doing this on the third floor without air conditioning. So, if thoughts are a little jumbled, my brain is fried.

Jessica and I worked as lifeguards this summer. Our manager was, at the least, a character. Our favorite fact about her is that she hasn't bought a new item of clothing in about 10 years. And, then, she sewed her own clothes. Trust me, we have seen her in Tazmanian Devil shorts, piss yellow plaid pants, and puke green stretchy leggings. Thus, why she is called NFP.

The Gum Saver

Is there a line between Logical Lawyer and Neurotic Professor?

Yes, but it is very, very thin.

Steve Nelson. Former Lawyer and current UGF CRJ professor and cat hater.

Besides being an avid smoker and causing problems, Nelson has THE worst luck with, well, pretty much life. Here are some reasons why:
1.) He cannot use a computer if his life depended on it. An example of this is that he spends the whole class time trying to boot up the computer for something that we don't need.
2.) PowerPoint hates his guts. Whenever he innocently tries to open PowerPoint, Word automatically appears! Not really, he just doesn't know how to use a computer.
3.) Cats attack him left and right. In the past year, I have heard of the same cat stealing his car keys, cutting his finger, and hiding in his house. All of these, according to him, are just to piss him off.
4.) He has had two knee replacements and now walks with a cane.
5.) He has a GUM SAVER!

This number five is the real story:

Wednesday in class, Nelson does his usual: tries to turn on the computer, gets mad at the computer, tries to pronounce all of our "regular, average American names", gives up on the computer for five minutes, mumbles about old cases, tries the computer again, and gives up again. BUT this day, he pulls out what appears to be a small retainer case and pulls out a piece of gum and sticks it in his mouth. After about thirteen chews, he places the gum back in and keeps talking. Then, after molesting a stick of chapstick, he PULLS out the gum again and puts it BACK in his mouth! This went on for about the whole hour until I decided that this was worthy enough to write about. I am still in the process of investigating this Gum Saver, so if anyone has any information about this amazing invention, please let me know.

Physics and Ketchup

I know that I haven't written in a while, but I have been quite busy with school and snowboarding. Anywho, here is a good story that just happened this evening:

My friend Trevor and I were over at the "caf" (our less than adequate UBT cafeteria) for dinner. We usually are banging down the doors right at 5 p.m. but today we were casually late (5:15 p.m.). Toward the end of our meal, a ketchup packet started to occupy our attention.

"There's a hole. I'm gonna squeeze it."

"Be careful, Trev, it's gonna go all over."

Much to my dismay, Trevor kept squeezing it, twisting it, and taking its dignity until we heard a big SNAP! Trevor moved his head. he had a splatter of ketchup on his cheek. We kind of laughed and looked to our left.

"Oh my heck!"

"Whoops! I didn't think it would shoot that far!"

In our cafeteria, there are enlarged photos from the 1960s of the campus. And now, thanks to us, a lovely picture of the quad has large spots of ketchup on it. I'm not talking a splash; I'm talking a tsunami of ketchup!

"Trevor, you have to clean that up!"

"No, someone will see me do it!'"

"But you can't leave it there!"

"Watch me. Grab the drinks, we need to leave."

We quickly left the cafeteria laughing the whole way.

It's still there.

UBT Mischief, Part 1 (roof adventure)

Before I begin the main point of this story, you need to know the background behind the acronym UBT. I attend the University of Great Falls in Montana. This is a small, Catholic liberal arts college tucked nicely behind Target. It's a great school with great classes and people, but it's not very well known. Whenever I'm asked to explain where this NAIA school is, my first response is, "oh, right behind Target." Hence, it was deemed the UBT.

Okay, so, my best friend, Jessica, is from Arizona. And, somehow, UGF found her and offered her a cross-county and track scholarship. So, you can imagine her reaction to 18 inches of snow and 30 below weather around January last year.

It was around 9 at night, and it had been snowing all day. We were a little bored.

"So, do you want to get my snowboard?" I offered the activity we had been obsessed with.
"Nah, not this late."
"Snowman?"
"No.....how about we crawl on the roof and throw snowballs at windows!"
"Um, okay." It sounded fun at the time.

At our dorm building, the downstairs lounge had a shorter roof that sat in back of the building. It was very accessable from a drain pipe on one side.

With small shove from me, Jessica easily shimmied up, latched on to the antenna, and swung on to the lounge roof. Soon, after arriving, she formed snowballs and started chucking. I stayed below, laughing and offering up windows to hit.

Much to our dismay, as the fun was just hitting its peak, I noticed a security guard ambushing us from south side of campus.

"Jess, get down! The security guard is coming!"
No answer, just giggling.
"Jessica!"
Still no answer.
I beat it across the quad out of sight. The guard made his way to the front door of the lounge, stopped, noticed Jess, and ran back outside.

"Hey!" He clicked on his Maglite and spot-lighted her.
"GET DOWN RIGHT NOW."
Party pooper.
Jessica walked over, sat on the edge of the roof, and jumped off into the snow.
"What's your name?"

-Keep in mind that these security guards are not CJ degree-holders. They are simply walking around our campus and other small schools with a walkie-talkie, flashlight, and a married gut looking for unlocked doors and alcohol.

"Jessica Barber."
"Okay. DON'T GET ON THE ROOF!"

The next hour was spent with us worrying what was going to happen to us. The guard talked to the Hall Manager for about 20 minutes. We didn't have a record with the manager, but she knew we were suckers for mischief. In the end, we got a slap on the wrist and a firm warning about roofs.

The guard's best argument: "But they could have been sneaking in drugs."
Our response: "But we weren't."
"But you could have."
"But we didn't."
"But..."
"But....what?"

It needs to be said that earlier last semester that security guard was fired.

Goodwill Hunting

Being a college student can make costume-shopping somewhat of a dilemma; the main one being finding money to pay for the costume. Last semester, my friends and I needed to purchase Holloween costumes (Marilyn Monroe and Jackie Kennedy, but that's another story) but had little money to do so. A trip to Goodwill was in store, and after this, many other trips followed for other random items of necessity. As Jess tried on a pencil skirt that was marked down to $2, I browsed the t-shirt section. This is where I found heaven. I am a person of randomness, if this was not obvious yet. I skimmed the "small" section and found an old softball t-shirt that said "electric city conservatory" on the front and the number eleven on the back. Amazing! The more I looked, the more random shirts I found, all at around $3 each. Another one purchased says "Bob's Marine Service" and the number ten. As of today, I own three softball shirts (all of businesses in GF). I also have an "avoid contact with trees" (snowbarding stick figure), "vote for ME" (gf high student body election shirt), and a "when Idaho potatoes go bad" (potato with a gun). Since this fettish, my friend Sarah brought me back four from Ohio. These include a marching band one and an athletic shirt once belonging to a Randy Foster. How do I know this? His name is written in marker on the front in the space, just like Napoleon Dynamite. There is also a basketball one and, my personal favorite, is the Cambell County Fighting Camels P.E. shirt. Now, everytime I pass Goodwill or go in, I need to browse the shirt section just in case there is that little treasure that someone is hiding.

Is this an addiction? Possibly. Is it a power to find these treasures? Yes. Yes it is.